There are so many things I love about being a freelancer…and only a few things that aren’t ideal. And if you look at social media or my blog, you think all things look like rainbows and butterflies. Well guess what, it ain’t.
Right now, it’s Saturday evening. I’m sitting here on my couch (that was a hand-me-down…read: free) while I’m writing this post. Currently, my group of best friends are down in D.C celebrating and toasting to my girls new home. I’m missing out because this week, I just don’t got it. What is it that I don’t got? Money. Driving down and back would cost me anywhere from $60-120 in gas or $50 bus ticket. Plus a bottle of wine or gift for her housewarming (because I certainly won’t show up empty handed). Then, add on the dinner and/or brunch bill, cuz a girls got to eat. I just couldn’t swing it this week and had a serious case of FOMO.
I’ve gotten used to eating at the house before going anywhere as another good way to not have to spend money. I even pack food when I travel as well (because, Celiac Disease and tight budget). But sometimes traveling to another state, that isn’t always an option. I cut up all my credit cards and only use cash. If I don’t got it, I’m not eating. This weekend I had to make the decision to take an L and sit this one out. And it doesn’t feel good.
Last month or even next week might be different. This is just how freelance life goes. I understand how it goes, the ebbs and flows of jobs and money, but sometimes I’m not sure anyone else does. To break it down, here’s how it works. I land a gig (styling, modeling, blogging). I now have to wait up to 30 days to get paid and even on one occasion, an ENTIRE YEAR. And it’s not guaranteed that it arrives in 30 days. Last week, I sat at a birthday dinner and watched everyone else eat dinner because my pay check hadn’t arrived yet. I ordered ice cream and threw down some cash that probably didn’t even cover it or my portion for my girls birthday. Do I not go at all? Or do I go to spend time with them but feel like an asshole while I’m at it. What would you do?
So, please don’t look at social media and think you know me and think that’s real life. It’s not. I struggle. Not with happiness, like many people who have a steady paycheck every two weeks. But with money. I might always struggle. This is just something that I’m willing to accept in the pursuit of my dreams. I just pray it doesn’t ruin my friendships. I won’t always be able to do what they’re doing and I might miss out on big milestones and celebrations.
My friends mean the absolute world to me. Family you can’t choose, but you can choose your friends. They are my family that I choose.
I could easily go back to a 9-5 and make the $80k+ I was making before. It would be nice to go back to buying gifts for birthdays and holidays and eat and drink whatever I wanted. I could go back to traveling and shopping, two things that miss a lot. But at the expense of my happiness? I’ll take a hard pass.
I pray that my freelance life, my ups and downs of when I have money and when I don’t, doesn’t tarnish my friendships. One day I’ll be able to travel and shop again, I’m not worried about that. But what I don’t want to have happen is for my friendships to be tainted by my decision to do something out of the norm. Something only a few people have the courage to do. They have been so supportive and believe in me I just hope it doesn’t get old to them. They keep me going. So, FRIENDS! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with me. Thank you for supporting me and thank you for believing in me. You inspire me, give me hope and am grateful for your love.