Man…it feels so good to see all these lady body positive influencers and bloggers killing the game! Their love for their bodies is inspiring and am glad to be amongst them…but it also has made me realize something. I believe myself to be a influencer. An influencer of fashion and style but also on health and loving on your body hard. Yet, I’ve still been shying away from posting certain pictures with certain angles. The pictures that highlight the most curvaceous parts of my body. You know…those super sexy looking ones. So, I’m changing up my style, mentally.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “sexy,” what it means to me and how I shy away from it physically. I think a lot about the kinds of pictures I take, the pictures I choose to publish, and the way I choose dress in public. I’ve learned to not want to feel sexy walking down the street, well, because of #MeToo. The only place that I desire to be sexy is when I’m in the presence of someone I’m dating or if I’m by myself in my house. I love being sexy! My body has always felt private and not for the world to see and I still feel this way to some extent but it’s hindering me of my full potential of feeling totally free.
I change what I wear to downplay my sexiness or sensuality and quite honestly, I’m tired of living for other people out of fear of judgement or ridicule. I haven’t been completely honest with myself or with you all. I’m taking back all that has robbed me of living in my truth. Showing my body is not selling out. It’s not to gain attention or to be boastful. It is my body and is still worthy of being respected even if I show my more of my body…all of my body.
If you know me, you know I’m one to quickly run back into the closet to grab a flannel shirt before jetting out of the house. For what? To tie it around my waist to cover up. And friends continuously notice what I’m doing and tell me “If I had that, I’d be flaunting it!!” Well, that ain’t exactly my style and it ain’t that easy!! You might also know that I’ve been made to feel reluctant to love my body when I was younger. Even though I’ve always loved my body and have always been grateful for the way I look, it took me a very long time to talk about it openly and publicly.
If you didn’t get a chance to read my article “Why It’s Taken Me So Long to Talk About My Body” here is a brief synopsis. “People’s comments (and demeanour) from those closest to me, made me feel like I was conceited or even narcissistic when I was young. It hurt immensely and I was enraged inside because that isn’t me. Their comments would be voiced without holding back, making me feel like I shouldn’t be proud of how me and my body looks. They suggested endlessly that I wanted “attention,” that I was high maintenance and unequivocally full of myself. In essence, it sounded like they didn’t want me to love myself as much as I humbly did.
If anyone truly knows me to my core, knows that I’m humble pie. I don’t do things to “get attention” and in all actuality, I despise it. Maybe they were projecting their lack of self love onto me. It made me live in serious fear that I was wrong to feel good about myself. I began to believe that if I put myself out there, others would also think the same negative and nasty thoughts. It felt like this thought ruled my life. So, to sway them otherwise, I spent years trying to overcompensate with my “good girl” and behavior in the way I carried myself and the way I dresses, in efforts to prove them wrong.”
When my blogging and influencer career began I was very selective of the pictures I put out there for the world to see. I wouldn’t even allow sexy pictures of me to be taken. This was (and still is) in the back of my mind every time I do a shoot. I’ve simply not done lingerie photoshoots even though I’ve been told I could potentially get a lot of work in the lingerie and swimsuit modeling industry. The damage that was clearly caused when I was young (as I’m still working through these thoughts to this day) could very well be hurting my career. As a matter of fact, it has and it still is. I refuse to let it any longer. I’m breaking the the stigma that being sexy or showing my body is bad. So I’m changing up my mental style in order to do so.
I’m taking back the power I’ve given away for all these years. Over the past couple of months, I’ve started to change up my mental style by opening up. I’ve started to share more of me and my body with pictures on my blog and instagram. There will be more of me. More curves, more truth, more living fully for myself. I’ve also started to edit my closet of all the ill fitting pants. I’m only willing to buy articles of clothing that I feel fit my body best and that I feel sexy in.
I also encourage you all to rid of the ill-fitting pants in your closets and to also refrain from buying articles of clothing that hide your bodies! More short skirts, more low cut tops! No more flannels to tie around your waist and no more baggy dresses because you feel like if it’s tight it will be “too much.” 2018 is all about living our best and truest selves. Love yourselves hard, always even as we learn and grow into better versions of ourselves each and every day. Let go, and be free!